all content by chad slacker copyright 2001. don't steal, dude.


the chad slacker diaries

because living in a house with babes and hot tubs and lots of money isn't as awesome as it sounds...

11/30 -- genies are kind of annoying.

so things definitely were not cool around the house.

i invited mirabelle over hoping that we could get to know each other a little better and i could ... um... show her a thing or two. a hot tub, the robot, maybe something more. heh. mandy and juliette were being total bitches about it. again. first they wouldn't leave her the hell alone. they followed the two of us all over the house.

then they stood in the kitchen talking smack about me while i was trying to give mirabelle a shoulder massage in the heart-shaped hot tub. "so does chad hit on a new girl every day?" "i know. just the other day i was in the kitchen and he came up and grabbed my ass. he's such a pig. i feel so sorry for that poor girl." that was bad enough, but then i had to go to the bathroom for a sec. when i came back, i saw this:

and that was when i decided i'd had just about enough of this shit. "what the hell's going on here? this is my goddamn date. piss off, juliette. go screw my wife again or something."

but mirabelle said "i'm sorry chad, but i don't know if i can see you again. i've been having these ... conflicted feelings. about men. and about women."

"oh, for fuck's sake," i said. that was when i knew i couldn't fight mandy and juliette's evil influence by myself. i needed some help, dude. it was time to go rub the lamp.

i went upstairs and i rubbed the lamp, and out popped the genie. he's not a very good genie. he fucks things up a lot. i'd make a wish that he'd clean the whole house and instead we'd end up with ten million roaches running everywhere. and max would scream at me about it, even though it was the goddamn genie's fault. i still don't miss that dickhead.

so today i said "genie, i wish that every woman who came into this house wouldn't turn gay. i'm not into being judgmental about lifestyles and shit, but you have to agree that this is getting pretty damn ridiculous."

"my friend, i cannot do impossible things," said the genie.


"it is not the women. it is you. you are singleminded and shallow. you are boring and vapid. you are lazy and unmotivated. in short, you are a total loser."

"but i'm damn hot," i said.

"that is not enough. you are so repellent that women turn to each other for sexual satisfaction rather than go to bed with you. if you like, i can try to change you into someone with more to offer than a hard body and a vibrating bed."

"very funny," i said. "maybe i'll just nail that fucking lamp shut with you in it. now get me some goddamn action already. jesus. i need a good lay here, not the goddamn oprah winfrey show."

the genie sighed. "i will do my best."

and what do you know? he did okay. we were getting ready for another party and while i was getting some burgers ready, mandy came out to me wearing this amazingly hot red dress, and she was all like "hey, baby."

and i was all like "hey yourself, hottie." cool. before that whole hit-on-the-head thing, she wasn't so bad. i don't know why she'd get all friendly with me again after all this time of treating me like shit. must have been the genie.

the party was only kind of okay. there weren't that many people there and when i looked around i realized i hadn't seen a lot of our neighbors in a while, and with max disappearing on top of it? that was all kind of weird.

"does it seem like there are a lot less people around town than there used to be?" i said.

sam silent heard me and goes "everyone's still out of town for thanksgiving."

and i was like "thanksgiving was last week, dude. and who the hell invited you anyway?"

and then the loser mime from hell showed up. i know. "loser mime." totally redundant. but you have no idea. greta dropinsky told me he just goes around town crashing parties and bugging people in restaurants and shit.

he got in my go-go cage and was all like "everyone must stop talking and look at me. now i do ze brilliant impression of being in ze cage."

"um, you are in a cage, yo," i said. and since when do mimes talk, anyway? damn. even for a mime this guy was totally lame.

but at least he wasn't drew carey, so nobody was really paying attention anyway.

the funniest thing that happened all night was when sam silent started flirting with the girl who jumped out of a giant cake. mandy got all pissed off and stomped over and smacked him one.

i laughed my ass off. later on after everyone went home and i was having one last beer, i wondered why the hell mandy gave a shit who sam was flirting with. but that's her problem, yo. i bet juliette hates both of them now.

ha ha ha.


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