all content by chad slacker copyright 2001. don't steal, dude.


the chad slacker diaries

because living in a house with babes and hot tubs and lots of money isn't as awesome as it sounds...

11/25 -- shitty thanksgiving but then things look up.

so it was thanksgiving and i thought i'd have a talk with juliette. try to clear things up. try to get our differences settled.

"stay the fuck away from mandy," i told her. "she was mine first."

"no," she said.

"aw, c'mon," i said. "besides if she ever gets her memory back, she's gonna be so pissed at you. she always told me she thought you were a big golddigger. no, really. she couldn't stand your ass. in fact, she was just about to tell you to get your own place."

"why don't you get in the kitchen and start fixing the thanksgiving stuff already? jesus, you're a pain in the ass, chad."

"say what? men don't do the cooking on thanksgiving, duh. men sit in the living room watching football and drinking beer. the women do all the work. that's how the goddamn pilgrims did it, yo."

why do i even try arguing with these women? it's fucking pointless. i almost miss max. almost. no, he's not back yet. maybe the aliens got him again. heh. maybe the aliens decided they were actually like in need of some whiny bossy-ass dipshit or something. but you know, he did most of the cooking. so maybe he had some good points. i dunno. i still don't miss the asshole.

i thought thanksgiving already sucked, hard, but it got worse. it was time to eat, and the women just cut me dead. juliette moved her chair all the way down the table from me, and mandy wouldn't even sit down or look at me.

i took about as much of this shit as i was going to. "like, what the fuck is everyone's problem?" i said. "it's thanksgiving, for fuck's sake. we're supposed to be thankful and stuff. so let's lighten it up, ladies. i'm thankful max is gone. what are you all thankful for?"

so then mandy completely loses it.

"this turkey sucks and it's your fault! you can't cook! max should be the one cooking it, but he didn't because he's not here, and that's your fault too! you drove him away with all the whining and complaining and arguing! you're ruining everything!'

and i was like "um, i don't think so. it's max's fault you hit your head and don't remember i'm your husband or you wouldn't be talking to me like that."

"that's impossible!' she said. "i'd never marry you. i hate you! you make me sick!"

and she started crying and ran upstairs and juliette gave me a bitchy look and ran upstairs after her. so i started drinking. what else can you do?

i finally passed out from all the wine, and when i woke up the next day i heard juliette and mandy's vibrating bed going upstairs and i knew what that meant. i decided i wasn't about to put up with this shit anymore. i went downtown again.

and that's when i met her. mirabelle. have you ever heard such a beautiful name? mirabelle. it's like poetry. "mirabelle/ cool as hell/ cast your spell/ on me."

heh. sorry. i get like that when i'm all in love with someone.

i saw her standing in the flower shop. flowers make me sneeze, but i just had to meet her. i stood on the sidewalk looking in, trying to think of what the hell to say to this totally incredible woman to make her notice me.

finally, i just ran inside and blurted out, "excuse me -- has anyone ever told you that you are a fucking goddess?"

"i get that a lot," she said, but she was kinda laughing so i figured i'd scored a point.

i bought a dozen of the most expensive long-stemmed roses in the shop for her, and then i knew we had to get out or else i was going to sneeze snot all over her and that definitely wouldn't be cool, so i said "hey, you hungry or what? i know a place we can go."

she said "whatever," which i took as a yes, so i took her to this snooty little outdoor restaurant that pretends to be french but you know these folks have probably never been off the east coast in their lives. i hate people like that. but it's expensive, and mirabelle's eyes got all big like i figured they would when we walked in.

"um, i'm kinda between paychecks. can we maybe just go to a hotdog stand?" she said.

"no way. it's on me. i eat here all the time. it's no biggie." that was when she started looking at me like "hey, you know, this chad guy isn't so bad. maybe he's pretty much okay."

so we sat outside and just had the best fucking time. i told her all about my horrible roommates and she totally agreed with me that they were bitches. i told her "the last fucking straw was when they started making out in the hot tub right in front of me --" and she goes "a hot tub? you have a hot tub?"

"oh yeah. we have two. but one's broken so we're stuck with the heart-shaped one inside until servo the serving robot gets around to fixing it and he's been kinda behind lately --"

"two hot tubs? and a robot? for real?" that was when i felt her foot under the table against mine. that's when i knew i was really getting her hot. she totally wanted me.

the mood got broken a little when my weirdo neighbor sam silent showed up. he stood by our table like he was trying to get our attention, and especially mirabelle's, and i was like "no way is he gonna screw this up for ol' chad." i whispered to mirabelle "yo! dude! don't look at that freak. just act like you don't see him!" and she did it without giving me any shit. juliette and mandy probably would have argued with me for an hour about it.

"one of my friends was over at his house once and said he was really really fucked up," she said. "he has some big hedge maze in his backyard he kept trying to get her to go into. isn't that weird?"

finally it got so late that everything closed down, but she kissed me at the end of the night and told me she'd be waiting for my call. "i want to see your hot tub. and your robot."

i think she wanted to see something else of mine, but i figured that could wait for another date. but i had a nice long soak in the hot tub later on while i fantasized all about showing her my something else..


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