all content by chad slacker copyright 2001. don't steal, dude.

 

the chad slacker diaries

because living in a house with babes and hot tubs and lots of money isn't as awesome as it sounds...

11/19 -- love is a cold hard son of a bitch.

so a couple of days after the party, i was still climbing the walls. i tried getting something going with juliette again. but as you can see, she was still kinda not into it. i couldn't figure out what her problem was. she kind of liked max, i think, but the thing is that max disappeared the day after the party. he went over to visit our new neighbor sam silent and we haven't seen max since. juliette was all worried and i'm like "it's no big deal. he'll turn up," all the time hoping to fuck he's gone for good. asshole. i tried getting her mind off her problems with a couple of hot cage dances. she just stared at the tv in total silence.

so i started thinking about trying to get mandy back. why not? we had a few laughs and stuff. and she's still pretty hot, even with landing on her head and not being completely there, you know? i figured i was kind of being a dick to just abandon her the first time something bad happened to her.

unfortunately, i came in from a swim and found out something new about mandy:

she kind of forgot she likes guys.

dammit. and check out juliette. way to take advantage of someone in a totally vulnerable state. what a total skank.

i told juliette that seeing as she was stealing my wife the least she could do was let me watch the two of them. they threw me out of the house. whatever.

i ended up at the yuppie shopping center downtown. it's totally boring, but it was a nice day and there were lots of hot women around, so i was like "okay, this isn't so bad." only it was.

i tried talking to this chick chantal, but she was totally weird, man. i told her "oh, you've gotta come to my next party. i had one a couple of nights ago, and you know who showed up? my really good personal friend drew carey. he's a great guy. you should totally meet him."

and she was like "excuse me? i don't know who that is." and i said "you know, he's on the drew carey show on TV," and she goes -- get this -- "oh. i don't watch tv. in fact, i don't even own a television."

and i totally started laughing because i thought she was fucking with me and i said "yeah, right -- so what do you do, read books!?" and she said "as a matter of fact, yes."

so i was like "uh, okay. later, babe." what a freak, man. can you imagine not owning a tv? holy shit. we get some strange people around here, dude.

speaking of freaks, i went to a funky clothes shop and ran into my new neighbor sam silent. i don't know why, but i kinda get the feeling he doesn't like me. he was looking at his watch and being all cold and unfriendly and shit while i was trying to talk to him. maybe he was pissed he didn't get invited to our party.

"you know who was there? drew carey! my good friend. how cool is that?" i told him. "by the way, i've been meaning to ask -- have you seen max lately? the last we heard he was headed to your place."

"what? no. max just visited for a few hours and he left a while ago. why? what are you implying?" he said.

"nothing, dude. we just kinda wondered if he said where he was going," i said. "the trash is starting to pile up and the bills need to be paid and everyone's hungry."

"i assure you, i have no idea where he is. maybe he found true love and left the area," sam said.

"oh yeah. that'll happen. later dude." sam's weird too. and boring. i wonder why he doesn't like me?

by then i was getting kind of hungry and tired and frustrated. i saw bella goth-newbie and figured cool, i've got one last chance at this getting lucky shit, because everybody has a chance with bella if you know what i mean. she ran out on her husband and kid to marry their neighbor a while back, and now everybody except the neighbor husband guy knows she's stepping out on him too. she's a trip, dude.

but before i could even get there this annoying college guy who lives in town walked up to her and started trying to hit on her. and when i got there, she was already telling him "no." she was all about drew carey now. drew told her she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen and they were going to totally get married and he was going to give her a big part on his show -- in fact it wasn't going to be "the drew carey show" anymore, it was going to be "the bella goth-newbie-carey show" because that's how big of a star she was going to be. and so she wasn't into giving out her phone number or going out with ordinary mortals like us anymore.

god. fucking drew carey. that guy is going to ruin my life before it's all over. i hate that guy. even more than i hate max, which is really saying something. if drew carey ever shows up at another party of mine i'm going to beat the shit out of him.

hey, you know what? that would be cool. then when they made an "e! hollywood true story" about him, i bet if i put him in the hospital for a few days they'd mention me in the show. hmmm.

by then i was really pissed. and tired. i tried talking to a few other women, but damn -- try bringing up a little gossip about people getting drunk at my party and everybody gets all self-righteous and "oh no, i don't gossip." they wouldn't even go for a freaking cup of coffee with me. so i called a fucking cab and went home.

i don't get it. what am i doing wrong? i've got this big house with anything anybody could possibly want and if i didn't already have it in the house i could buy it because i'm independently wealthy, so if a girl hooked up with me she'd never even have to work. and i'm damn hot. i know that sounds arrogant, but i'm just telling it like it is.

whatever. you know what? it isn't me. it's them. i can have fun by myself anyway. lots of fun. yup.

 

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