'twas the night before christmas, and all down the block
we were having a party, and it so did rock.

we were drinking and dancing and making all merry,
but then who shows up? yup -- drew fuckin' carey.

strutting around like he thinks he's so cool.
he could win five oscars -- he'd still be a tool.

of course all the women were all about drew
hoping he'd get with them for a holiday screw.

he like ruined my night, so i went off to bed
with visions of strangling drew in my head.

i woke up much later to the sight of snow
and a voice from downstairs going "ho ho ho!"

i thought we were having another break-in.
but yo -- it was santa claus! how'd he get in?

down the chimney? he'd be pushing his luck.
with that big flabby gut he'd get totally stuck.

he ate all our cookies, as rude as can be.
you'd think the fat bastard would leave some for me.

but then he left gifts, so i guess that's okay.
didn't get all my shopping done anyway.

juliette came downstairs and said "holy shit!
santa claus brought us a fireworks kit!"

she had no purse and she had no pocket
yet she reached behind, and she whipped out a rocket.

she said "wanna light it?" and i said "i'll pass"
'cause she must've pulled it right out of her ass.

it shot in the air with a wimpy shriek
and then started to fall. "dude, that was weak."

but then things got a whole lot less tame,
cause it hit the floor and it burst into flame.

and oh, this sucked in so many ways.
the presents were burning, the tree was ablaze.

i yelled for help but i started to choke.
so i went to the hot tub for a nice calming soak.

a fireman showed up to end all the trouble
but not before our toys were turned into rubble.

so now our christmas was totally screwed.
and the fireman gave us a shitload of 'tude:

"y'all must have brains the size of a mouse
to be setting off fireworks inside this house!"

things have come to a most uncool pass.
if santa comes back here i'll kick his big ass.

the presents were ashes, the women were blue.
so i had a drink. what else can you do?

(hope your christmas was better, yo.)